Dude, where's the beach?

Friday, August 12, 2005
Might As Well Give Them A Hand...

In the spirit of diplomacy and peace, I'm going to help spread the message expressed in the latest terrorist video. Since Al-Jazeera has such a limited audience, we need to help the terrorists out in order for their message of peace and love to go around the world. In doing so I'm hoping to bring about more peace, harmony, and a better understanding of the unfair plight the terrorists face every day.

Remember, all they want is our friendship.

...Begin Transcript...

Attention Infidels! Prepare yourselves for the coming apocalypse. You and your infidel nations will be destroyed because we are better then you, smarter then you, and by Allah, people like us. No, we are not killing innocent men, women and children because we have small genitalia, so stop saying so. Our tiny penises have nothing to do with massacring civilians. To believe so is a crime against Allah. Instead, we blow up the innocent because it makes the nightly news in the evil United States and Europe.

Since we were denied entry visas into the U.S. in order to compete on American Idol we have no other way to express our superior singing abilities. Personally, my rendition of 'I Will Survive' was voted best in our Jihad training camp talent show, and I know it beats the hell out of that great Satan Clay Aiken.

Also, the cost of making the news in the West is only a few dollars worth of C-4, a drugged up martyr, and the lives of innocent people standing in line to buy bread, so what else do you expect? Your media is so easy to control, bless Allah, it is easy to hide the truth coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan. News such as the improving economies, increases in health, education, drinking water and food, and the fact that more jobs and energy are being produced then before the evil crusader wars started shall never be spread to the rest of the world.

Additionally, we are offended by your stereotype of brave Jihadists. Your infidel movie 'Team America' wrongly portrayed us as randomly killing people while shouting 'Dirka Dirka Dirka Mohammad Jihad!' This is an abomination. We do no such things! Instead, we randomly kill innocent people while shouting 'Jihad Mohammad Dirka Dirka Dirka!' Any infidel who confuses this sacred call to heaven shall die a horrible death. May ten thousand male camels confuse you as a virgin in heat, you infidel!

Finally, you must cower in fear. Yes we may have small penises, but we know how to use them. We are real men, and we are destined to rule the world and kill all infidels. It is written. If you surrender to us now we will spare you a horrible death. Instead we will simply kill you quickly and painlessly only after you vote for me on American Idol.

We are Terrorists! You are mere mortals! Prepare to die! 'Jihad Mohammad Dirka Dirka Dirka!'

(Off camera) "And cut. That was great Omar! You really told them. I'll get this copied and sent to Al Jazeera right away. That Paula Abdul and the rest of the infidels will be pleading for mercy in no time."

Omar: "You think it was good? I don't know... I don't think these gloves matched my headscarf, and my gun didn't seem intimidating enough. Maybe I should have yelled more and used a deeper voice, but these damn cold sores on my mouth make my lisp even more pronounced."

Director: "No no no, not at all. You were tough! You were manly! You were amazing! The only thing I ask for you to change next time is please wear pants. I had to keep the camera pointed high so your pink thong didn't show. It didn't' match your other clothing."

Omar: "I'm sorry. I was just so happy that the length of my 'Little Omar' has reached nearly an inch. Those pills are really working. I was hoping to score some for free by advertising my success, blessed be. Those infidels will scream for mercy when they see little Omar waving in the wind as I charge their devil-tanks with my rifle!"

.... End of Transcript....

posted by El Capitan at 5:01 PM