Friday, March 30, 2007
Movie Review: Shooter
(Warning, this review contains a few minor spoilers, but trust me... you don't want to spend a dime on this flick)
I fell for it.
I was watching a commercial about the movie 'Shooter', starring "Marky" Mark Wahlberg as an ex-Marine Super Sniper who is tricked into setting up an assassination of 'someone special.' (trying not to spoil too much). The commercial looked great, and it was full of raving reviews... including 'two thumbs up' by those two movie review dudes. So, me and my step-son went to the theater and watched it. After all, the movie reviewers are never wrong.
Where to begin.
Let me throw in some positives first so I don't sound too much like an a-hole. The effects were good, the sniper scenes (including the opening battle) was interesting, and the first 25 minutes seemed believable enough. It looked like I was watching a good flick.
That lasted until the crap hit the fan and Wahlberg gets framed. From this point on it's every "Good guy gets framed, runs and hides from bad guys, gets help from an attractive girl, decides to get back at the bad guys, all the while magically dodging thousands of rounds hitting every piece of dirt around him."
But THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT!
Oh no... that was the tolerable stuff.
The really crappy part of it made my stomach so sick, it was as if I had seen Barbara Streisand sunbathing in the nude.
Guess who the bad guys were? Yep, you're correct! They're Right Wing politicians and military leaders bent on building oil pipelines through peaceful African villages, and taking over the world. The movie is filled with line after line of "This is the only country where the Secretary of Defense can tell Americans that it's a war for 'Freedom', when in fact it's all about oil."
There's even a line that uses Abu Grab as an example of how only the little guys ever get caught, and the real leaders who ordered the torture always get away with it.
The best part... and yes, there was a 'best part'.... was when they showed the ring leader talking to the bad military guys about killing Marky Mark. It just so happens that the ring leader is an old fat white male, a Senator from Montana (near Wyoming) who happens to be Right Wing, and in this scene he's wearing a khaki shirt, a hunting vest, and is shooting out in the field with some powerful friends.
Did you guess who it was supposed to be? The only thing missing was a bumper sticker on the actor's forehead that read 'I'm Dick Cheney!' My favorite line is how he espouses his hatred for Democracy, followed by another scene where he offers Marky Mark a seat in his circle of fellow evil-doers who will soon be taking over the world.
Oh, and who can forget the master evil dude, played by Danny Glover. When I first realized he was in the movie I thought about how much I can't stand him and his anti-American, anti-Bush, pro-Castro/Chavez crap he spews every time he's on the news. Well, guess what... this movie was right up his alley. The strange thing is I think Danny has developed a lisp. No kidding, he couldn't pronounce his 'S's. They sounded more like 'Th's. Maybe he needs to cut back on kissing the asses of evil socialist dictators.
(Spoiler in the following paragraph. You can skip to the next one if you don't want to know how it ends)
Near the end of the flick, a good guy FBI-type espouses the idea of co-equal branches of government, and how it's supposed to be built on checks and balances. Of course, he can't find any evidence to put away Cheney and Danny Glover, so he tells Marky Mark that this problem can only be solved with a gun. The next scene has all the bad guys sitting in a cabin and laughing about how evil and Right Wing they were. Marky Mark just so happens to track them down and he shoots Glover. As Cheney stands up, he basically tells Marky Mark that he's a US Senator, and that he's too powerful to be shot. Marky Mark then fills him full of lead. Hoorah! Hoorah! Cheney was finally killed by the good ex-sniper good guy! The world is now good again. Or so the movie director wants you to think. All of that peacefulness can be yours too IF you kill the bad, evil Right Wing leaders.
(Spoiler is done)
I can't believe I was able to sit through this crap. I could stomach 'V' for Vendetta's political, anti-Conservative anti-Christian tripe because it was a futuristic Sci-Fi movie. I'm usually always able to find an excuse as to why I should sit through movies that espouse so much hatred for the Right side of the political spectrum, but not this time. This movie was a cheerleading event for the Democratic Underground moonbats who pray to their Ouija Boards every night for Chimpy McHaliburton and his clan of Right Wing dictators meet a terrible fate.
So, to sum it up... This Movie Sucked. I've seen better episodes of Full House. Also, it's a total rip-off of the Keenen Ivory Wayans movie 'Judgement Day.' (What is it with those ex-snipers who get framed for killing someone powerful?)
On my 'Movies are like Alcohol' ratings scale, watching this flick was like drinking a warm, fermented pint of 'Piss-Warm Chango' from an unwashed glass. It's by far the worst movie I've ever reviewed on this site since I started blogging in 2004.
If you don't want to be pissed off, go see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or maybe some chick flick that's out. ANYTHING would be better than Shooter.
***** Trivia Time*****
Who can name the person that brags about how good 'Piss-Warm Chango' is, all the while he looks like he's on the verge of spewing chunks all over the bar? He then follows his beer with a joke about urinating all over the bartender.
posted by El Capitan at 12:37 AM
5 Comments:
airforcewife said...
Go rinse your mind out with 300. That one can be seen more than once.
And if you're looking for a good GWoT flick (well, in this case, miniseries) check out the Sleeper Cell duo from Showtime.
Hubby and I caught it on TV and liked it so much that we bought both seasons.
Lindsay said...
I love your movie reviews...especially with the alcohol scale. The previews looked good, and my roommate really wants to see it, but I will probably pass.
Lots of TV/movies starting to use that "let's build an oil pipeline in (insert region here)" in their plots...lol
El Capitan said...
I don't mind movies with political views. I've seen tons of them, and usually I can ignore the crap and enjoy the basic premise of the movie.
This just went too far. The crap was too thick to wade through.
Lindsay, you're right about the use of an evil oil company 'Pipleline' in many recent movies. Remember that the conspiracy geeks/truthers/Rosie fans all believe that Bush caused 9/11 in order to build a pipeline through Afghanistan.
Air Force Wife, I've seen two episodes of Sleeper Cell and you're right, it's great. I'll be seeing 300 this weekend to 'rinse' my mind with the calm, peacefulness of watching thousands slaughtered.
Can't wait.
Southern (in)Sanity said...
Thanks for the warning and the review. I had actually considered going to see this over the weekend.
I'm glad I didn't.
said...
One thing that really got to me, was when the evil right winged masterminds were in their little office, surrounded by pictures of who? Specifically Reagan and Bush Sr.
*puke*
When I sit in a theatre, and all I see are references to an anti-conservative agenda (Children Of Men was another one, although the book was great), I just want to get up and leave. But I don't, because I already paid my money, I might as well stick it out.