Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Ahhh, the Internet. Making history fun, and destroying it all at the same time. I need to quit my day job. I'm having too much fun at home with the kidlings.
A Well Deserved Day of Rest
Rest, sleep, and laziness. Of course it's the calm before the storm. I have a mountain of boxes filled with Christmas decorations to start going through.
I wonder if this is what retirement is like?
First thing. I've got to give a huge thank you to Mauser Girl for the new layout on this site. This blog has always been something fun and personal for me when I started it just before heading to Iraq in August 2004. After nearly 18 months it certainly needed a facelift, and I couldn't have asked for a better job. So, head on over to Mauser Girl's site and bug her if you like her work. She's certainly the best gun slinger/web designer in the Milblog family that I know of.
Dave at Garfield Ridge is 'Sick as a Dog.' My question is, if Bird Flu is caught by touching birds, then being Sick as a Dog means what? I dunno, just thinking outside the box here. If it wasn't a dog, then it must have been that weekend trip to Tiajuana.
Michelle Malkin, who by the way kicks ass, is all over MoveOn.Org's latest Turkey Day Massacre. They've got an add showing how miserable U.S. troops were during Thanksgiving, and how it's all Bush's fault. Problem is, they're British troops, not American. It's amazing though how quckly they photoshoped the shot. MoveOn.Org... Photoshop/Propaganda experts.
Also, she's got a little ditty on the posibility of Osama being dead... thanks to 'Rambo Harry' Reid. Very interesting.
On the other hand Blackfive found a story, and photo, about Al Qaeda perps dressing as women in Afghanistan. Too many jokes to think of on this one.
Mudville Gazette is of course all over everything Military. Always a good read.
Ace of Spades, aka 'sarcasm at its best,' has been on a roll lately. One example is his discovery of the Democratic Party's national security policy.
The Democratic Party
"Our national security policy is taking the old "wait and see" attitude. After all, what's the worse that could happen?"
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Celebrate Good Times, Come On!
Why am I celebrating. Oh, I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm on leave the next 3 days, making it a 5 day weekend. I'll be home kicking back with the kidlings while the wife is down in Texas.
No work, all play... and I should be writing a bunch once the rugrats hit the hey. Well, writing and gaming. Woo hoo!
Working On A New Look
Stand by while we get some of these kinks worked out on this new design.
Oh, and did I ever mention that Mauser Girl kicks ass? Best damn gun slinger & web designer in the blogosphere.
I'll be on The Price Is Right this Friday and Monday!
At least I'm in the studio audience. Last October the wife and I attended two tapings of The Price Is Right while visiting my parents out in Los Angeles. The first show will air this Friday, 2 December. The second will be on Monday, 5 December.
The experience was awesome. As a kid I used to play hooky from school just to stay home and watch Bob Barker and his Beauties, so this was definitely a life long goal. Bob is looking older every show, so I knew I was running out of time if I wanted to see him. I dragged the uniform along to help represent the Air Force, and of course to help me get chosen to play. I never did get picked, but I still had a great time.
The stage is actually very small, and the crowd is even smaller than how it looks on TV. Camera angles... It's all magic. Barker's Beauties were OK, but They're not as cool as the gals I grew up with back in the 80s and 90s. These new ones are too Barbie-dollish, whereas the older ones had character and could actually change expressions.
The only thing I found disappointing was the crowd. The crowd during the first taping was much younger than the second, so they seemed ruder to one another and to Bob. Yes, they were rude to Bob Barker, the Pimp Daddy of Daytime TV. Amazing how stupid and disrespectful people are these days. Yes, maybe it was just the younger LA culture, but it's still shocking to witness.
The second crowd was much better and had more fun. Sorry for the spoiler, but the winner for Monday's show was a young Marine ROTC Cadet (Rat bastard, That was my Mustang!!!) He wins big.
You can see my wife and I in a lot of the crowd shots for both episodes. I have the ability to record the shows on my computer, but I don't know how to take still shots and post them. If someone can tell me how to do it, I'm all ears.
As for my wife, she made it onto the show back in 1997, and the rule is you can't be a contestant on the show twice... ever. She won a cedar chest, which we still use, but she lost a car. (Yes, it was some type of Cheapo Dodge Dart or something, but a car is a car) While standing in line for our taping someone asked her if she was disappointed when she lost the car, or was she just happy to have been on the show. Her answer was priceless. "Of course I was disappointed. I was pissed. I lost a car, and I'm still upset about it to this day." It was funny seeing these wannabe contestants' fake smiles dry up when she said that. Priceless.
So, as we were in line walking towards the theater they took groups of about 10 of us and interviewed us all together. Yes, fake smiles, jumping up and down, shouting and showing off... people did what they could to try and get on. I was guilty of it. My face hurt for 20 minutes after the interview because I was smiling so big and laughing at everyone's stupid comments and jokes.
Overall it was a blast, and I'd do it again if I had another day to waste out there. I'm not sure what will happen with the show after Pimp Daddy Barker retires or keels over, but I know it'll never be the same without him. He was a class act, and he entertained the crowd during commercial breaks. During the second show he had us military folks stand up and he thanked each one of us individually. Made my day.
So, another item to mark off my list of things to do before I die has been check-marked, and it was worth it.
Also, please let me know if anyone is familiar with capturing still photos from recorded TV.
Monday, November 28, 2005
All characters and events in this Blog - even those based on real people and news - are in fact authentic, unless of course someone complains. Then they are entirely fictional, and probably products of a bad dream. The following blog contains intellectually course language and due to its content SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE! And courtesy of the legal eagles and CBFTW, the opinions expressed on this website are solely those of the author and contributors and not those of any agency of the United States Government, expressly including, but not limited to, the Department of Defense, or the United States Air Force. The site is not designed, authorized, sanctioned, or affiliated, by or with, any agency of the United States Government, SO THERE!
Wow, Talk About Sad
Teen With Peanut Allergy Dies After Kiss
"A 15-year-old girl with a peanut allergy died after kissing her boyfriend, who had just eaten a peanut butter snack, hospital officials said Monday."
Not only did she lose her life to a kiss, the boyfriend is now scarred for life. I doubt he'll be making out with anyone any time soon. Almost sounds like a scene from the '40 year old Virgin.' Very very sad.
Who's Got the Bigger Pair.... Part II
We'll let them speak for themselves.
While this storm is making its way towards my location and everyone is running around in chaos, I find myself asking the all important question each of us has asked at some point.
What makes a good cell phone ring tone?
I'm tired of my dorky T-Mobile ringers, yet I'm not sure what to replace it with. What makes a great ring tone? I had Kanye West's Gold Digger for a while, but that got old pretty quickly. Not to mention the fact that I kept forgetting to change the tone before I got to work. It's not a good thing to have Gold Digger start playing during a briefing to the boss or while you're sitting at the table negotiating a 200 million dollar contract. Not good at all.
So what makes a good ring tone? Do you recommend anything specific? Original?
What do you recommend against? I know we've all heard those annoying ring tones while standing in line or at the movies. What should I avoid?
Mother Nature Is Coming...
And she's looking a bit peeved. Must have been that grasshoper I stepped on the other day.
Current Winds gusting at 30+. Time to batton down the hatches.
Also, I was trying to link the moving radar map, but I can only link a single image. Does anyone know how to link the moving map, almost like a gif.?
India Kicks the USAF's Ass in 2005 Joint Exercise?
This will be the second year in a row that the rumor mill has India kicking the USAF's teeth in during the 'Cope India' exercise. Last year it was said that the Indians opened up a Can of Whoop Ass on our F-15Cs. The November 28 article in the Christian Science Monitor states that this year the Indian Air Force Sukhoi-30 MKIs put a hurt on our F-16s.
Ok, back to reality. Last year's 'leak' that the Indian Air Force kicked our ass was anything but factual. The truth is that the so-called leak was designed to push Congress for more funding on the F-22 program. That's about as honest as it gets around here. What better way to get more funding for more new aircraft then to say that your current fighters are no longer capable of maintaining air superiority in combat. Yes, it's embarrassing for the Air Force to go that route, but obviously we'll do anything for new planes.
This year's 'leak' is no different. The F-16's replacement, the Joint Strike Fighter (JSF), is having serious funding problems in Congress. The Air Force wants the plane and wants it soon, hence the latest rumor that our F-16s are being matched or beaten by India.
So this story is a win win for India and the U.S. It lets the Indian Forces feel great about themselves and their progress, and it makes the case for newer U.S. Air Force fighters.
Romantic Love Just Temporary?
Romantic love 'lasts just a year'
"Some couples may disagree, but romantic love lasts little more than a year, Italian scientists believe... But it seems from this study biochemical mechanisms could be involved in the mood changes that occur from the early stage of love to when the relationship becomes more established."
Let me take a guess on this one here. Are most of those biochemical mechanisms that change the relationship occuring, say... every 28 days?
Just a testosterone-induced educated guess on my part.
(Waiting for a flood of hate mail)
Thank You Washington Post...
For outing a national security operation.
For puting our nation's assets and people in danger.
For puting our nation's allies in danger.
For breaking the law by publishing classified material.
For hindering our efforts to fight the War on Terror.
Thank you for reminding us which side the MSM is really on.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Once Again... This Is What a Timetable Looks Like
Posted this once before back when people were crying for a timetable or date of when the U.S. would pull out of Iraq. I think it's time for a friendly reminder as to what announcing a timetable causes.
Now, back to work.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Another thing to be thankful for
“Iraqi forces now implement 70% of the security operations.“
One small step closer to everyone coming home.
(H/T Mudville Gazette)
This Thanksgiving day I'm thankful for...
and for being a member of the United States Armed Forces.
It's always nice to know I'm on the winning team.
U.S. Navy and Marine Corps
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Sorry Folks, Just a Computer Glitch
Must've been that Y2K do-hicky.
That's It... The Gloves Are Off
I mentioned Milblogging.com a couple of weeks ago, where you can go and vote for your favorite Milblog. They're now hosting the 2005 Milbloggies.
"The Milbloggies are an annual award ceremony celebrating milblogging around the world. And of course, through the Milbloggies, you’ll be able to find some of the best milblogs on the internet."
The categories are broken down by service. Here are my personal recommendations. I challenge everyone out there to show some love and vote. And yes, I do bribe well. If my blog or AlliCadem's 'Whine With Cheese' blog wins the top Air Force site, I'm buying!
'Dude, Where's The Beach?', 'Can I Have Some Whine With That Cheese?'
'Blackfive', 'Ma Deuce Gunner', 'Mauser*Girl', and 'Desultory Butterfly'
'Doc In The Box', 'CDR Salamander', 'SMASH'
'Flight Pundit', 'One Marine's View'
'Most Certainly Not', 'Air Force Family'
U.S. Civilian (Military Supporter)
'Toni's View' (Bear Creek Ledger)
'Iraq the Model'
If I've forgotten anyone, throw a brick my way to remind me.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Looking Forward to Rummy's Appropriate Response to the Senate
H/T Black Five for sharing, and Uncle Jimbo for creating. Read the 4 July 2006 Press Release on our withdrawal from Iraq. He nailed it.
A Marine Reviews Weapons Used In Iraq
Basically, most of our new stuff is crap. According to this first hand account, the best weapons to use are the ones that were invented in WWI and WWII. This is a must read if you've ever questioned our nations ability to properly develop, purchase, and equip its fighting men and women. Who else would know more about how our equipment is holding up than a Marine or Soldier who's actually using the stuff?
November 22, 2005 Pg. 21
A Marine Reports From Iraq
By An anonymous Marine
Editor's note: There's nothing like word from the field to know what works, what doesn't and how the enemy's tactics are affecting our soldiers in battle. Below is one U.S. Marine's take on those questions, verified and relayed to us through his father, a retired Marine. We've withheld the Marine's name and his father's to spare them the inevitable political or institutional flap. Among the most interesting tidbits: Our Marine reports that servicemen are shocked at negative press coverage of the war, and they believe the United States is winning decisively -- but that the number of troops in the field should be bolstered. On equipment, our Marine thinks the older, battle-tested parts of the U.S. arsenal are the most useful equipment in the fight against insurgents. M-16s aren't much good, but "Ma Deuce" is, and the .45 pistol is highly coveted. Body armor has plusses and minuses.
Hello to all my fellow gunners, military buffs, veterans and interested guys. A couple of weekends ago I got to spend time with my son... [He] spent seven months at "Camp Blue Diamond" in Ramadi, a.k.a. "Fort Apache." He saw and did a lot. The following is what he told me about weapons, equipment, tactics and other miscellaneous information which may be of interest to you. Nothing is by any means classified. No politics here, just a Marine with a bird's eye view's opinions.
•The M-16 rifle: Thumbs down. Chronic jamming problems with the sand over there, which is like talcum powder. The sand is everywhere. You feel filthy two minutes after a shower. The M-4 carbine version is more popular because it's lighter and shorter, but it also has jamming problems. Marines like the ability to mount the various optical gunsights and weapons lights on the picatinny rails, but the weapon itself is not great in a desert environment. They all hate the 5.56mm (.223) round. Poor penetration on the cinderblock structure common over there and even torso hits cannot be reliably counted on to put the enemy down. Fun fact: Random autopsies on dead insurgents shows a high level of opiate use.
•The M243 SAW (squad assault weapon) .223 cal: Big thumbs down. Drum-fed light machine gun. Universally considered a piece of s***. Chronic jamming problems, most of which require partial disassembly. That's fun in the middle of a firefight.
•The M9 Beretta 9mm: mixed bag. Good gun, performs well in a desert environment, but everyone hates the 9mm cartridge. The use of handguns for self-defense is actually fairly common. Same old story on the 9mm: Bad guys get hit multiple times but are still in the fight.
•Mossberg 12ga. Military shotgun: Works well and is used frequently for clearing houses, to good effect.
•The M240 Machine Gun: 7.62 Nato (.308) cal belt-fed machine gun: Thumbs up. Developed to replace the old M-60 -- what a beautiful weapon that was -- it is accurate, reliable and the 7.62 round puts 'em down. Originally developed as a vehicle-mounted weapon, more and more are being dismounted and taken into the field by infantry. The 7.62 round chews up the structure over there.
•The M2 .50 cal heavy machine gun: Thumbs way, way up. "Ma deuce" is still worth her considerable weight in gold. The ultimate fight-stopper, puts their d**** in the dirt every time. The most coveted weapon in-theater.
•The .45 pistol: Thumbs up. Still the best pistol round out there. Everybody authorized to carry a sidearm is trying to get their hands on one. With few exceptions, it can reliably be expected to put 'em down with a torso hit. The special-ops guys -- who are doing most of the pistol work -- use the HK military model and supposedly love it. The old government model .45s are being re-issued en masse.
•The M-14: Thumbs up. It is being re-issued in bulk, mostly in a modified version to special-ops guys. Modifications include lightweight Kevlar stocks and low-power red dot or ACOG sights. Very reliable in the sandy environment, and people love the 7.62 round.
•The Barrett .50 cal sniper rifle: Thumbs way up. Spectacular range and accuracy and hits like a freight train. Used frequently to take out vehicle suicide bombers -- we actually stop a lot of them -- and barricaded enemies. Definitely here to stay.
•The M24 sniper rifle: Thumbs up. Mostly in 308 but some in 300 win mag. Heavily modified Remington 700s. Great performance. Snipers have been using them heavily to great effect. Rumor has it that a Marine sniper on his third tour in Anbar province has actually exceeded Carlos Hathcock's record for confirmed kills with over 100.
•The new body armor: Thumbs up. Relatively light at approximately six pounds and can reliably be expected to soak up small shrapnel and even stop an AK-47 round. The bad news: Hot as s*** to wear, almost unbearable in the summer heat, which averages over 120 degrees. Also, the enemy now goes for head shots whenever possible. All the bull**** about the "old" body armor making our guys vulnerable to improvised-explosive devices was a non-starter. The IED explosions are enormous and body armor doesn't make any difference at all in most cases.
•Night Vision and Infrared Equipment: Thumbs way up. Spectacular performance. Our guys see in the dark and own the night, period. Very little enemy action after evening prayers. More and more of the enemy are being whacked at night during movement by our hunter-killer teams. We've all seen the videos.
•Lights: Thumbs up. Most of the weapon-mounted and personal lights are Surefires, and the troops love 'em. Invaluable for night urban operations. [Name redacted] carried a $34 Surefire G2 on a neck lanyard and loved it.
I can't help but notice that most of the good fighting weapons and ordnance are 50 or more years old. With all our technology, it's the World War II- and Vietnam-era weapons that everybody wants. The infantry fighting is frequent, up close and brutal. No quarter is given or shown.
Bad guy weapons:
•Mostly AK47s. The entire country is an arsenal. Works better in the desert than the M16 and the .308 Russian round kills reliably. PKM belt-fed light machine guns are also common and effective. Luckily, the enemy mostly shoots like s***. Undisciplined "spray and pray"-type fire. However, precision weapons are more and more common, especially sniper rifles. Fun fact: Captured enemy have apparently marveled at the marksmanship of our guys and how hard they fight. They are apparently told in jihad school that the Americans rely solely on technology, and can be easily beaten in close quarters combat for their lack of toughness. Let's just say they know better now.
•The RPG: Probably the infantry weapon most feared by our guys. Simple, reliable and as common as dog****. The enemy responded to our up-armored Humvees by aiming at the windshields, often at point blank range. Still killing a lot of our guys.
•The improvised-explosive device: The biggest killer of all. Can be anything from old Soviet anti-armor mines to jerry-rigged artillery shells. A lot found in [name redacted]'s area were in abandoned cars. The enemy would take two or three 155mm artillery shells and wire them together. Most were detonated by cell phone, and the explosions are enormous. You're not safe in any vehicle, even an M1 tank.
Driving is by far the most dangerous thing our guys do over there. Lately, they are much more sophisticated "shape charges" (Iranian) specifically designed to penetrate armor. Fact: Most of the ready-made IEDs are supplied by Iran, the country which is also providing terrorists, Hezbollah types, to train the insurgents in their use and tactics. That's why the attacks have been so deadly lately. Their concealment methods are ingenious, the latest being shape charges in Styrofoam containers spray-painted to look like the cinderblocks that litter all Iraqi roads. We find about 40 percent before they detonate. The bomb-disposal guys are unsung heroes of this war.
•Mortars and rockets: Very prevalent. The Soviet-era 122mm rockets, with a range of 18 kilometers, are becoming more prevalent. One of [name redacted]'s NCOs lost a leg to one. These weapons cause a lot of damage "inside the wire." [Name redacted]'s base was hit almost daily his entire time there by mortar and rocket fire, often at night to disrupt sleep patterns and cause fatigue (it worked). More of a psychological weapon than anything else. The enemy mortar teams would jump out of vehicles, fire a few rounds and then haul *** in a matter of seconds.
Bad guy technology is simple yet effective. Most communication is by cell and satellite phones and also by email on laptops. They use handheld Global Positioning System units for navigation and "Google Earth" for overhead views of our positions. Their weapons are good, if not fancy, and prevalent. Their explosives and bomb technology is top of the line. Night vision is rare.
They are very careless with their equipment, however, and the captured GPS units and laptops are intelligence treasure troves when captured.
Who are the bad guys? Most of the carnage is caused by the Zarqawi al Qaeda group. They operate mostly in Anbar province -- Fallujah and Ramadi. These are mostly "foreigners," that is, non-Iraqi Sunni Arab jihadists from all over the Muslim world and Europe. Most enter Iraq through Syria -- with, of course, the knowledge and complicity of the Syrian government -- and then travel down the "rat line" which is the trail of towns along the Euphrates River that we've been hitting hard for the last few months. Some are virtually untrained young jihadists who end up as suicide bombers or are used in "sacrifice squads."
Most, however, are hard-core terrorists from all the usual suspects -- al Qaeda, Hezbollah and Hamas. These are the guys running around murdering civilians en masse and cutting heads off. The Chechens, many of whom are Caucasian, are supposedly the most ruthless and the best fighters. In the Baghdad area and south, most of the insurgents are Iranian inspired and led Iraqi Shi'ites. The Iranian Shia have been very adept at infiltrating the Iraqi local government, police and army. Since the early 1980s during the Iran-Iraq war, they have had a massive spy and agitator network there. Most of the Saddam loyalists were killed, captured or gave up long ago.
Bad guy tactics: When the enemy is engaged on an infantry level they get their a**** kicked
every time. Brave, but stupid. Suicidal banzai-type charges were very common earlier in the war and still occur. They will literally sacrifice eight-to-10 man teams in suicide squads by sending them screaming and firing AKs and RPGs directly at our bases just to probe the defenses. They get mowed down like grass every time -- see the M2 and M240 above. [Name redacted]'s base was hit like this often. When engaged, the enemy has a tendency to flee to the same building, probably for what they think will be a glorious last stand. Instead, we call in air and that's the end of that, more often than not.
These hole-ups are referred to as "Alpha Whiskey Romeos" ("Allah's Waiting Room"). We have the laser-guided ground-air thing down to a science. The fast movers, mostly Marine F-18s, are taking an ever-increasing toll on the enemy. When caught out in the open, the helicopter gunships and AC-130 Spectre gunships cut them to ribbons with cannon and rocket fire, especially at night. Interestingly, artillery is hardly used at all. Fun fact: The enemy death toll is supposedly between 45,000 and 50,000. That is why we're seeing fewer and fewer infantry attacks and more improvised-explosive devices, suicide bomber s***. The new strategy is simple: attrition.
The insurgent tactic most frustrating is their use of civilian non-combatants as cover. They know we do all we can to avoid civilian casualties, so therefore schools, hospitals and especially mosques are locations where they meet, stage for attacks, cache weapons and ammo and flee to when engaged. They have absolutely no regard whatsoever for civilian casualties. They will terrorize locals and murder without hesitation anyone believed to be sympathetic to the Americans or the new Iraqi government. Kidnapping of family members, especially children, is common to influence people they are trying to influence but cannot otherwise reach, such as local government officials, clerics or tribal leaders, etc.
The first thing our guys are told is, "don't get captured." They know that if captured they will be tortured and beheaded on the Internet. Zarqawi openly offers bounties for anyone who brings him a live American serviceman.
This motivates the criminal element who otherwise don't give a s*** about the war. A lot of the beheading victims were actually kidnapped by common criminals and sold to Zarqawi. As such, for our guys, every fight is to the death. Surrender is not an option.
The Iraqis are a mixed bag. Some fight well, others aren't worth a s***.
Most do okay with American support. Finding leaders is hard, but they are getting better. It is widely viewed that Zarqawi's use of suicide bombers, en masse, against the civilian population was a serious tactical mistake.
Many Iraqis were galvanized and the caliber of recruits in the Army and the police forces went up, along with their motivation. It also led to an exponential increase in good intelligence because the Iraqis are sick of the insurgent attacks against civilians. The Kurds are solidly pro-American and fearless fighters.
According to [name redacted], morale among our guys is very high. They not only believe they are winning, but that they are winning decisively. They are stunned and dismayed by what they see in the American press, whom they almost universally view as against them. The embedded reporters are despised and distrusted. They are inflicting casualties at a rate of 20-1 and then see s*** like "Are we losing in Iraq?" on television and the print media.
For the most part, they are satisfied with their equipment, food and leadership. Bottom line, though, and they all say this: There are not enough guys there to drive the final stake through the heart of the insurgency, primarily because there aren't enough troops in-theater to shut down the borders with Iran and Syria. The Iranians and the Syrians just cannot stand the thought of Iraq being an American ally -- with, of course, permanent U.S. bases there.
That's it, hope you found it interesting, I sure did.
Monday, November 21, 2005
CDC Releases Info On Bird Flu Symptoms
Be careful out there! I hear that Bird Flu's creeping closer to the U.S.
1. High fever
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
At first they thought Big Bird had the Asia Bird Flu, but they determined he had a bad hangover and a serious case of crotch rot from his trip to Singapore.
Michelle Malkin Kicks Ass
I'm a huge fan of intelligent and strong women who can dish it out as well as they can take it. Michelle Malkin is one of the best examples of this. She a brilliant minority woman in the public spotlight who happens to be conservative, which opens her up to some of the trashiest and most disgusting insults and charges. Well, she's had enough of the crap.
She's certainly on my list for 'Bad Mamajama' of the year
America takes world gaming crown
The US has been declared the top gaming nation at the World Cyber Games.
Two points: First, Duh! Of course we'd take the world gaming crown. We invented the nerd, we perfected the nerd, we are the nation of nerds. When it comes to gaming, we rule the world.
Second, I'm in the wrong career field. How do you get to be a gaming olympiad? Anyone? I'm willing to wear the taped glasses and pocket protector, although I refuse to live in my mother's basement.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Another Satisfied Customer
Friday, November 18, 2005
Top Ten Dangerous Toys for Kids and Adults
Okay, here it goes. The common sense study for parents who lack common sense to know not to give your 1 year old kid small legos, a crossbow set, and anti-gravity boots.
Baby Serena - Baby I'm Yours
Camouflage Water Bomb Fun Kit
Splatmatic Pistol Splat Paintball Shooter
Animal Alley - Ponies
The Lord Of The Rings - Return Of The King Uruk-Hai Crossbow Set Including Electronic Light 'n' Sound Sting Sword
Air Kicks Kickaroos Anti-Gravity Boots
Fisher Price's Little Mommy Bath Baby Doll
Fantastic 4 Electronic Thing Hands
Star Wars - Revenge Of The Sith Energy Beam Blaster
Now here's my scientifically proven list of toys that are dangerous for adults. After all, if you're dumb enough to buy dangerous crap for your kid, your dumb enough to buy dangerous crap for yourself.
A Home Electrolysis Kit: If you're stupid enough to buy this for your wife you run the risk of having it shoved into a random body cavity once she realizes you think she has too much facial hair.
A Crime Scene Towel: Someone may want to make it a real crime scene towel with you in it.
Bacon Strip Adhesive Bandages: Do not send these to your Medic buddies out in Iraq or Afghanistan. If you do send them and your friend survives, be prepared for a K-Bar up the wazoo when he returns.
Dare to Keep Cops Off Donuts bumper stickers: If you're into night-sticks, handcuffs, and long nights in the Pokey, go for it. If not, don't do it.
His and Hers Matching Shirts: If you buy a pair, be prepared for a beating. If you're not pummeled, you both might end up on the big screen of some stadium between innings. If you do, don't worry... those 30,000 people aren't laughing at you, they're laughing with you.
A Yugo Race Car: Well, maybe you can splurge on your Mother in Law, but just don't ever step foot in one. Rumor is that you add value to it every time you fill the tank. That, and it's a popular and effective Molotov Cocktail.
Mr. T Pocket In Your Pocket: Do you really want the phrases 'I Pitty Da Foo' and 'Try Me Sucka' coming from your pants pocket?
Michael Jackson's Rub N' Play Transfers: Do I even have to explain?
Thursday, November 17, 2005
"My fellow Americans... I've decided to bomb Iraq because Saddam is a bad guy. Oh, and since I called him out first, nobody else can bomb Iraq. Anyone else who bombs or invades Saddam is not justified and is wrong to do so because they're just not as cool as I am. Oh, and I almost forgot, I did not have sexual relations with that girl."
Well, maybe we can call him a Weasel, but he'd be sharing the name with Le Grande Weasel Jeac Chirac. Before Clinton came along the Democrats held the House and Senate. Since the Dems have lost nearly every ounce of power in D.C., Clinton has been credited with destroying his party. After reading the following quotes, I can see why. Matter of fact, I hope he continues to open his trap. We may be greatly disappointed with G.W., but remembering Clinton makes us feel a little better. Maybe he's trying to sink Hillary's campaign before it begins. Whatever happened to that shock collar she had on him?
Bill Clinton: November 16, 2005"The United States made a "big mistake" when it invaded Iraq."
Bill Clinton: December, 1998"Earlier today, I ordered America's armed forces to strike military and security targets in Iraq. They are joined by British forces. Their mission is to attack Iraq's nuclear, chemical and biological weapons programs and its military capacity to threaten its neighbors. Their purpose is to protect the national interest of the United States, and indeed the interests of people throughout the Middle East and around the world.
Bill Clinton: February 17, 1998"If Saddam rejects peace, and we have to use force, our purpose is clear: We want to seriously diminish the threat posed by Iraq's weapons of mass destruction program."
Bill Clinton: February 17, 1998"We have to defend our future from these predators of the 21st Century.... They will be all the more lethal if we allow them to build arsenals of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons and the missiles to deliver them. We simply cannot allow that to happen. There is no more clear example of this threat than Saddam Hussein."
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Who's Got The Bigger Pair?
Bush to China: Emulate Taiwan
KYOTO, Japan — Piquing China just days before meetings with its leaders, President Bush on Wednesday held up the self-governing island of Taiwan, which Beijing claims as its own, as a model of freedom "at all levels" that the communist giant should emulate.
"He cited Taiwan, considered a renegade province by Beijing, as a model of a society that has successfully moved from "repression to democracy".
"...and I've got the 'Cajones' to make it happen."
Can't Wait For The Holidays
Work is absolutely handing out the smack-downs. Do this, do that, mush mush mush. And thanks to our sexual harassment training they can't use whips and chains, so now they're just throwing books and chairs at us.
It's chaotic. Hopefully I can post more later.
Oh, and some folks have been asking what I do. I'm currently testing the new Air Force radar system, designed to throw the enemy into uncontrollable fits of laughter and crash their planes. It's amazing how well it works.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Another Worthy Endorsement
Thanks Bill. The check is in the mail.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Ma Deuce Gunner is on F'ing Fire
Ma Deuce Gunner just finished his tour in Iraq and is back at home with The Lady Gunner. In his first post back he wrote 'An Open Letter to the Anti-War Crowd.' Here's just a snippet:
"Some of you claim that you "Support the Troops, but not the war". I submit to you that this is a preposterous assertation. In order to truly and honestly support the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines and Coast Guardsmen who have sworn to "Uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States of America", you must also support the endeavor that they are currently undertaking. Our job is to safeguard you, to kill, disable, or catch the human scum who have made it their mission in life to blow you into chunks of human gore, sever your head from your torso, incinerate you, collapse your office building, gas you on the subway, or murder your children with television cameras rolling live."
So go over to Ma Deuce's sight, read his letter, and welcome him home. He spent the last year busting his ass for us and he rightly deserves our gratitude. If anyone can figure out out to send him a beer online let me know. He's earned one.
Mauser*Girl is on F'ing Fire
How else can you explain the fact that the best post I could come up with today was my run-in with Zamfir and his Panpipes, whereas Mauser*Girl posts one of the funniest things I've seen online in a long time.
What Have I Become?
I'm not sure which is worse:
1) Finding Zamfir being played on my XM Radio, or
2) Feeling excitement that I'd come across Zamfir on my radio, and actually recognizing one of his tunes.
I'm deeply concerned that not only will I spend eternity in a 'special' place, but that special place will have Zamfir playing on a non-stop loop. Seriously, how many children of the 80s remember those Zamfir commercials? I think we were all brainwashed by his Eastern European Commie-carved Panpipes. Why else would I still remember him and his music? Maybe I just watched way too much TV as a kid.
Play his record backwards and you'll here, 'Communism is your friend, Gorbachev is your friend, Soylent Green is not made of human remains.'
Friday, November 11, 2005
Why Celebrate Veterans Day?
Because "Good people sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
If your're not willing to storm the beaches, be ready to support those who did it for you.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Vote For Your Favorite Milblog!
Can't believe I'm ranked 24th in the nation for Milblogs. Either this site is very new, or someone's rigged the votes in my favor. Either way, go show your favorite milblogger some love and vote for him or her. Milblogging.com
Oh, and did I mention I bribe well? (wink wink)
MARINES TO ASSIST FRENCH
'President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance '
President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little pissants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush.
Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get thing thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them.
The least they stand out the better.
The Air Force Cleans House
The following is a letter sent by our new and forward-thinking Secretary of the Air Force and the Chief of Staff of the Air Force. The letter, titled "Lean Across The Air Force" basically stresses the point that we need to do things better, cheaper, and more efficiently than we have in the past because of our strained budget.
It's a great initiative that deserves respect and effort. I personally have several ideas as to how we can save millions, if not billions, in the Air Force. Since I have the ear of the SECAF and I know he reads this blog on a daily basis, let me share my suggestions with him.
Delay production of the JSF by 10 to 15 years. The system just isn't necessary yet. The money saved could be used for items much more important to the Air Force.
In the meantime, buy a hundred or so new F-16 Block 60s. One costs 1/6th the price of a single Joint Strike Fighter and can carry more weapons and fulfill more missions. Stealth isn't that necessary these days, and it limits your options.
Get rid of the F-117. Their intended mission expired 13 years ago, they're very limited in what they can carry, and the money spent on sustaining them can be applied to buy a few more F-22s, lots more F-16 Block Ds, or to the Joint Strike Fighter R&D.
Even better, some of the money saved can be applied to the already ongoing R&D to expand the roles and capabilities of our B-1 and B-52 Bomber fleets. They're proven systems, and cool gadgets and toys we want to put on them will make them even more valuable to our mission.
So Mr. Secretary, there's my contribution to your effort to make the Air Force leaner and meaner. It's a combination of cutting or delaying weapons systems that are limited and costly, and filling the gaps with less-expensive and improved versions of existing systems that have already proven their ability in the combat environment.
Since you're the kind of guy who has his ear to the ground, I'm confident you'll take my suggestions into consideration. If they ever come to fruition, I wouldn't need any recognition. Maybe a SECAF coin or a coupon to the BX, but that's about it. After all, besides making coffee and keeping up the snack bar that's what us Captains are here for.
Happy Birthday Marines
My God Jim, They're All Morons!
24 Million for this piece of crap? Do you know what you can get for 24 million dollars? Do you know what you can do with 24 million dollars! Have you ever heard of Vegas baby?
My God, our civilization is collapsing before our very eyes. Give me a break! You might as well have bought this thing. It makes a hell of a lot more sense.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Introducing My New Ad Campaign
In a rare (and most likely fruitless) attempt at getting more links out there in the blogosphere, I introduce to you my new ad campaign, titled 'Pity The Foo'.
Mr. T, my hero and mentor, has graciously agreed to be my spokesmodel, although I've been warned not to attempt my famous 'Eddie Murphy does Mr T.' impression.
So spread the word and link 'Dude, Where's The Beach?' to your site today!*
*Available for keggers, sorority parties, yoga lessons and Barmitsfahs.
Dude, Where's The Beach? Spokesmodel Rejects, Take 4
After seeing this gaggle stroll in to audition, I inhaled a 5th of Cuervo Gold and woke up on the floor of a White Castle bathroom. Nearly ended it all that night. Thanks to this bunch I'm seeing a shrink twice a week just to help deal with the nightmares.
It just ain't right.
Dude, Where's The Beach? Spokesmodel Rejects, Take 3
My crack team of advertising execs thought that I should pick Screech for his ability to bring in the Gen X Chick audience.
I've fired my team. 'Nough said.
Dude, Where's The Beach? Spokesmodel Rejects, Take 2
The Good Reverend Dexter Wise came in on short notice. Not only was he the most well spoken of the bunch, he's also a talented singer and gourmet chef. The only reason we had to let him go was because he just wasn't into 'That'.
You know... 'That'.
Dude, Where's The Beach? Spokesmodel Rejects, Take 1
She begged for the job, obviously needing money, but I just didn't want to attract the wrong type of crowd. You know, those multi-colored-bracelet wearing folks. They smell like Campbell's Beef and Vegitable soup.
I Was Born a Captain...
| You scored as Captain Jack Sparrow|
Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com
God Bless The Air Force, Part II
This time around it's because of our innovation. We've got lasers. Big ones and little ones. They're finally coming out of the 'research lab' closet, and this time it's not due to some diabolical plot funded by Dr. Evil. (H/T Ace)
Sadly, the Air Force will undoubtedly continue it's pattern of leaving its Officers defenseless on the battlefield. While they throw these new high-faloot'n gadgets to the Enlisted folks like they're toys, we'll still be stuck with the same old Government Issued Rubber-Band Shooters. Freak'n Coast Guard cadets have better toys than what we get issued.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The Sky Is Falling!
What can weigh up to 840,000 pounds, has four extremely large engines that put out a very loud 43,000 pounds of thrust each, is nearly 40 years old and now flies right over my rooftop countless times a day.
You guessed it... my base just ditched their C-141s for much bigger and much louder C-5s. I don't ever want to hear anyone complain about traffic noise again. Talk about torture. I'd feel much more comfortable having the 'Big Bertha' skydiving team of 500 pound supermodels practicing overhead. I don't trust these old planes. I know way too much about them.
If I could scream like Sam Kinison right now I'd be doing it.
'I LIVE IN HELL.. OHHHHH'
I was conflicted about what to expect in a modern day war movie based on a book. I didn’t want to get my expectations up and be let down. Most importantly I wanted to avoid a possible slap in the face by some Hollywood elitist trying to show me how evil our country and our military is, and that George Bush is Hitler. I get enough of that on CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, MTV, The West Wing, Commander in Chief… you get the point.
So I hesitated going to see the movie until I read Desult's positive review on it. After reading her take (and she knows her stuff), I went into the theater with an open mind and I walked out very satisfied. Jarhead was a good movie. It isn’t a war movie, it’s not a Michael Moore mind-meld flick, it’s a well directed translation of a book about one Marine’s personal experiences leading up to, and fighting in, Operation Desert Storm.
Every chance the director had to stereotype Marines as complete asshole killing machines he didn’t take. Yes, he showed the morons, but he also showed the normal guys, the war hawks, the detractors, the poor immigrant kids who joined to become citizens and raise families, the jerk Officers, and even a gung-ho lifer played by Jamie Fox. The movie showed every type of Marine there is. From the loose cannon to the desk jockey, it represented each one of them.
The focus on the psychological drudgery of waiting months to fight the enemy was ideally illustrated because it was 100% true. Typically the Marine Corps mindset of kill kill kill is squashed by the reality of wait wait wait. Moral issues such as wives and girlfriends cheating were the toughest battles they had to fight on a daily basis. Again though, there was some balance regarding the women back home. At one point the focus is on a wall of shame, filled with photos of spouses and girlfriends who have broken up or cheated on their Marines who are helpless to stop them. At the same time, the infamous reputation of infidelity Marines have is brought to light when a wife sends a tape of herself cheating on her Marine because he had cheated on her. The director could have simply left that part out and made the military wives look bad, but he once again chose to add balance to his film.
There were plenty of funny and memorable scenes. At one point when the Marines were dug in near the burning oil wells they could hear some helicopters flying overhead blasting music from ‘The Doors’ through their speakers. The main character’s complaint that The Doors were from the Vietnam era and that they needed their own music for this war was right on. Vietnam was over… Iraq was their generation’s war now and it deserved the right music. During the bonfire when they were celebrating the end of the war, Public Enemy’s Fight The Power was echoing throughout the desert. Indeed, the director had chosen appropriate music that reflected that generation. Young males from the Pac-Man/Generation X military venting their pent up frustration by shooting aimlessly into the air (the only time they got to shoot their weapons), and moshing to Chuck D lyrical rage.
I walked away from Jarhead content that I had not seen a war movie. Instead I watched a psychological journey through the mind of a young man who ‘got lost on his way to college.’
Good movie, great acting, and indeed very thought-provoking. Not the best in the genre, but I do hope it gets the recognition it deserves.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Way To Go Aussies
Looks like Australia, America's proverbial Brotha from Anotha Mutha, put a few terrorist bad guys on the Barbi.
Australia foils major attack
SYDNEY (Reuters) - Australian authorities believe they have foiled a major terrorist attack, arresting 15 people on Tuesday during raids in the country's two biggest cities of Sydney and Melbourne.
Once A Marine...?
My Dad is an ol' crusty Gunny, and I always grew up with the motto 'Once a Marine, Always A Marine' stuck in my head. I never knew this motto to be false until now.
Is a Marine still a Marine after he's left the Corps and has made every effort to destroy it and our nation through lies and hatred?
After you read what he's done to the Corps and to our nation (read Malkin, Gateway Pundit), please help me find a better name to call Mr. Jimmy since I do believe he's lost the ability to call himself a Marine.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Desultory Butterfly Revealed!
(Photo from Caption This)
She was photographed undergoing the invasive and highly embarrassing MEPS physical to become a member of the Army National Guard. Not sure what they found, but she qualified and is well on her way to kicking some Boot Camp Ass come this January.
Nice legs Desult! Don't know about the hair thing you've got going on. Might have cut it a bit too short. Then again it's perfect for Boot Camp.
From The New Secretary of the Air Force
Just received the first official memo from the newly sworn in Secretary of the Air Force, Michael W. Wynne. Sounds like a squared away guy.